The War That Wages Within

How do I fight it? 

 The war that wages within 

 When I dare to hope that 

 maybe I have defeated it 

 maybe now it will leave me   

 maybe now I can walk back 

 retracing my footsteps to the place 

and time when I didn’t feel 

this heavy weight tied to my neck,

 when I could talk without 

tears finishing my sentences, 

 when I could smile and laugh 

 when I was NORMAL . 

 When I gather bits of my confidence 

and take faltering steps 

on this path to normalcy 

 it springs upon me 

from the shadows where it lurks

 inside the recesses of my mind . 

 It mocks at my attempts,

 it turns all my rationality on its head 

and I again feel stranded

 on this island of desolation ,

 unending and unreasonable tears

 threatening to drown my resolve to live. 

 I paralyze with suddenness

 and enormity of this grief,

 Unable to see the path 

with my eyes blurred with tears. 

 I no longer have any place to go 

 except take refuge on my side of bed. 

 I cuddle in blanket of inertia 

 hugging the pillow of helplessness. 

 My strength saps, 

my resolve breaks. 

 I do not hear my heart beat,

 I do not feel I still have a soul. 

 Its just darkness 

within and outside. 

 I no longer feel

 like a person. 

 Merely my shadow 

and nothing more.

 I look in the mirror and see 

my eyes staring back 

like the eyes of a person dead.

 Do others also see it? 

 I wonder how they recognise me 

 and still call me by my name.

 For days I live in the same room,

 in the same bed,

 in the same corner. 

 I dare not go out,

 I live like a social recluse,

 a leper . 

 My lesions do not show on my skin 

 but I hide them from others 

lest they see them and shun me 

or worse lest they cover them 

with the wrong bandages 

 which hurt more than they heal. 

 What is this trial where 

I accuse and convict myself? 

 I suffer the punishments too 

 but still the trial doesn’t end. 

 It starts all over again 

 convicting and punishing 

me yet again. 

 This cesspool of grief, remorse, regret – will I ever get out of it? 

-shalini singh 

This sad piece was written by me two years back when I suffered clinical depression for the first time. I dedicate this to everyone who has experienced depression. I know it seems hopeless and impossible to get out this well of despair but try to climb out clawing your way inch by inch. And those who do not understand or empathise with depression I pray that you never have the cause to experience it either. Amen!




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